You know when I came back to school in September, I was excited. Actually I was incredibly scared and excited. What really pushed me to pursue this experiment was that it was a big goal that scared me.
However, in the last two months, I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed. I’m met with anxiety, a constant battle in my mind, and a debate on whether I could actually do this or not. What the voice I’ve concluded is actually saying is, “you don’t know this. There is so much you don’t know. Why are you bothering?”.
Pause there. That’s incredibly harsh. I was speaking to myself with those words that I would NEVER say to someone else. Why was my mind running away and dwelling on these negative thoughts? Honestly I don’t know. Insert this comment from my dear friend and mentor Paulina Cameron, “Be kind to youself as you do all that hard thinking.”

I posted this earlier last week, at a point in time where I was feeling completely overwhelmed. And since then I’ve been battling with these types of thoughts and Paulina’s comment was a proding nudge to be kind to myself. That’s a great reminder, but boy is hard to do. It’s almost as if that thought acts as buffer to the harsh thoughts, but it doesn’t completely take the negative thoughts away.
What I’ve deduced that these thoughts are encouraging is that I shouldn’t start before I know everything or before I have it down perfectly. Once I put that phrase front of mind it gave my demon a face, a metaphor of sorts. Since putting a finger on it, I’ve felt a bit better at addressing this concern. So what if I don’t know everything? Who has done anything impactful or meaningful in life, knew EVERYTHING that they were doing? I”m going to venture a guess and say no one.
I do a lot of thinking. I’ve been paying a lot of attention to these thoughts in the past few months and boy if I didn’t have some education as to how these thoughts work or come about, I would be beyond overwhelmed. I studied thoughts like these but it is still an uphill battle trying to combat them.
An earlier post this week as tomorrow is a day to reflect and honour those who fought for our freedom (and so we could have thoughts like these and can blog about them). Thank you to all the veterans of Canada.
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